


Why Do We Do This?

by RosevalleyNB



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Arguing, Desperation, Doubt, F/M, Fighting, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:29:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4514991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosevalleyNB/pseuds/RosevalleyNB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This had become a new routine for them and she had enough. For nearly every day for the past two months, they had done nothing but argue, fight and cuss as at each other. With each argument, she forgot another reason why she loved him and remembered another one to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Do We Do This?

**Author's Note:**

> Usual disclaimers apply; anything recognisable belongs to JK Rowling.

"Let it go, Marcus. How long are you going to hold that over my head?" Katie took a deep breath to calm herself down. Her hands trembled as she put away the last of the dishes, telling herself not to hurl one at his head.

 

"For as long as it takes," was his simple answer. His voice was tight with anger and she didn't need to turn around to see that he had his fists clenched. Like her, he tried his best not to lash out more than they'd already done.

 

"Then we're done for tonight."

 

Katie didn't spare him another glance as she stomped out the kitchen. She had enough. For nearly every day for the past two months, they had done nothing but argue, fight and cuss as at each other. With each argument, she forgot another reason why she loved him and remembered another to leave.

 

Katie slammed the door to their room shut as she stomped inside, tears of anger and frustration stinging her eyes once again. Fighting, that was all their relationship had been reduced to these days. Each time she closed the bedroom door behind her, she thought about packing up her suitcase and just walking away. Merlin, once she'd thought about leaving without bringing anything along. And yet, she could never leave, not without trying to fix what was wrong with them.

 

So, she stayed and dutifully completed her part in their new routine: fight without resolving anything, slam the door, then blast the Wireless up to maximum volume as she attempted to hold in her sobs. At one point, she'd find the energy to undress and crawl into bed. However, she just didn't see that happening tonight. Still dressed in her work robes, she crawled into the bed and allowed for the openings tunes of Celestina Warbeck's newest heartbreak song to wash over her.

 

How fitting.

 

It was right when the final tunes began to play when the door opened. She felt herself clench everything together; teeth, fists, eyes. She curled up, facing away from him and trying her hardest not to start crying again. She couldn't do this anymore, not anther fight, not another miserable night without sleep.

 

Marcus lay down right behind her, resting his hand on her hip. When she shoved his hand off, he let out a deep breath of frustration.

 

"Katie," he whispered.

 

She didn't react, just wanted him to leave her alone. She was done for tonight.

 

"Come on, love. I know you're awake."

 

"Sod off, Flint. I've nothing to say to you."

 

He felt his anger rise once again. Silently, he counted to ten before he spoke again. Like her, he didn't want to fight anymore. He was sick and tired of it. The fighting, the screaming, it killed him on the inside as much as it did her. Why couldn't she see?

 

"Katie, turn around." He put his hand on her shoulder, but she was having none of it. "Love, come on. We need to talk."

 

"I said sod off!" She kicked back at his shins, more in helplessness and exasperation than to hurt him. She needed time alone to collect herself and straighten out her thoughts before she said or did things she'd regret later. Why couldn't he see?

 

No amount of counting helped this time and before he knew what he was doing, he grabbed her arm and turned her using his strength over her. Finally, he pinned her down on her back by her shoulders. "No, you're going to fucking face me."

 

"Let me go, you arse. We're done!" she screamed in his face, her chest heaving with pent up anger. As their eyes connected, her fury and resignation came out with the tears. "Fine, you got me! Are you going to yell at me some more? Go ahead; I don't care anymore!"

 

His anger ebbed away at seeing her like this. She was crying in hurt. Hurt he had caused. But, he didn't know how to fix it or put into words to apologise. Like her, he was frustrated, too. This whole mess had been eating away at him for the past two months and he didn't know what to do to turn the tide. Each time he closed his eyes, each time he thought that they would be okay, suspicions found a way to settle in the very back of his brain, driving him mad with anger and jealousy.

 

Marcus found that while his mind whirled in all directions in a confused and angry mess, his body took charge. Her big brown eyes cleansed any doubt from his mind when she looked up at him. Merlin, he loved her. The mere idea of losing her for good scared him.

 

Without giving it a moment's thought, he leant down and forced his kiss on her soft lips. Using whatever strength she had, she pushed him back and rolled over before he could stop her. The rejection made his insides churn in hurt, another piece of his heart crumbled.

 

Katie scrambled up and quickly stepped away from the bed, gripping her head in her hands almost to the point of pulling out her hair. Her tears flowed so fast that she couldn't see. A confusing mix of emotions fought within her for dominance. There was her overflowing anger, countered by the love she felt for him. However, the worst was the small spark of warmth she had felt from his kiss, a simple way of connecting they hadn't shared in so long.

 

Marcus followed her, refusing to back down this time. As calmly as he could muster, he took her wrists to guide her hands away from her head. He had meant well, wanting to say that she shouldn't hurt herself. Then she looked up, and the words didn't come out.

 

"Leave me alone," she growled, once again pulling away from him.

 

He wasn't asking, though. More forcefully, he grabbed her wrists and shoved her against the wall. She wasn't the one wronged here. As he held her against the wall, he latched down on her neck, sucking and biting, something he knew she couldn't resist. He just wanted her to calm down so they could talk, reconnect. He was hurting as well, why couldn't she see?

 

"No, let me go!" she cried, squirming to get away from his firm grip. "I…said...no! No!"

 

Nevertheless, he could feel her losing strength. Her fists clenched and unclenched until finally, she stopped trying to revolt. Although he knew that there'd be a dark red mark on her neck in a matter of time, he didn't pull away. Instead, he bowed his forehead so it rested on her shoulder as they both regained their breath.

 

'Please listen to me,' he wanted to say, to beg. Again, he couldn't find his voice. Slowly, he released her wrists. What was the use, she didn't see. He couldn't make her see.

 

Eventually calmed down and knowing that they couldn't keep doing this, Katie tangled her fingers in his hair and lightly pulled his head back to look at him. With was a pained expression, she searched his eyes for a sliver of good left in them. 'Why do I love you?' she wanted to ask, but all that came out was a dry sob.

 

This time, slower than before, he leant in to kiss her. Again, she turned away and closed her eyes, letting more tears fall. She couldn't do it, not now. She couldn't give him something so loving. She couldn't, he had hurt her too much.

 

She couldn't let him go either.

 

He put his hands on the sides of her head, again forcing her to face him. In reaction, she put her hands on his chest and used all the strength she could muster to push him off. Feeling the intense need to leave and sort out her jumbled thoughts, she rushed for the door.

 

As furious as he was, he wouldn't allow her to get away, not this time. This madness ended tonight. He grabbed her before she could walk out and roughly pulled her back. All rational thought left his mind when he threw her onto the bed and climbed on top of her. One hand was enough to hold her wrists above her head, ignoring her constant struggling to shove him off.

 

"Marcus! Get off!" She buckled to free herself.

 

He pressed his lips to hers and used his free hand to pull her hips into his. She continued to fight him, but he just kissed her harder. To his frustration, he felt himself harden at her gyrating hips. It was inconvenient, unnecessary, and certainly not enjoyable with her screaming at him, but the need for her, to feel close to her again was too overwhelming to suppress. Even though he knew it was wrong to do, his hand slipped underneath her shirt. Her breast felt soft to touch. He had forgotten how perfect she was to him.

 

He pulled her shirt up and bit down on her nipple, just hard enough to coax a reaction in her, just not the one had hoped to hear. She screamed and arched her back, pressing against him. He held her there for a while, only to stop when her pleas finally registered.

 

"Stop," she whispered in a choked voice. "Please, stop."

 

Finally, he saw what he was doing to her. As if burnt by a hot cauldron, let go of her wrists and scrambled away from her. He couldn't bring himself to look at her as he moved to the edge of the bed. Cradling his head in his hands in shame and disgust, he wondered if this was the final blow to their relationship.

 

Another piece of his heart crumbled at the realisation that it probably was. He had learnt a long time ago not to show emotion, never learnt to express himself properly. He wished that he knew how to cry. It would ease the restriction in his chest, wouldn't it? Would she see then?

 

Katie slowly got up and as she stared blankly at the wall, her anger with him faded and left utter exhaustion in its wake. She wasn't sure what to do now. Should she leave and never look back or try to talk to him again, try to sort things out. And if they couldn't, have a clean break at least.

 

She reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. One more chance, she told herself, he'd get one more chance before she'd leave. He slowly turned his head to look at her, eyes red-rimmed and sad.

 

"You look terrible," he tried to joke before he looked away, shame washing over him again.

 

"I feel horrible."

 

He covered her hand with his own. They sat there for a while; even the Wireless couldn't chase away the suffocating silence. Finally, when it became too much, she let go. The way he stiffened didn't escape her.

 

"I'm going to clean up. I'll be right back," she whispered. She needed to wash the ugliness of the day off her body, start fresh if she wanted to give him a last chance.

 

She took her time showering and getting ready for bed. Her indecisiveness on how to go about the conversation she knew they would need to have kept her from returning to their bedroom. When she finally did, Marcus lay curled up on his side of the bed, similar to how she had been earlier.

 

Without further fuss, she crawled next to him, so close their noses nearly touched.

 

"Hey," he greeted her hesitantly.

 

"Hey." She placed her hand on the side of his face and stroked his cheek. "We can't go on like this, Marcus."

 

He took a deep breath and closed eyes. "I don't know how-"

 

"We'll do this together, but you need to stop pushing me away," she continued. "One of these days you're going to push too hard."

 

There wasn't any heat or accusation behind her words. She just needed him to know that she had reached her limits

 

"Don't leave me," he whispered barely audible.

 

"Don't push me, then."

 

“I’m afraid that you still will, no matter what I do or don’t.” A tired smile played on his lips at seeing her confusion. “I’m afraid you’ll leave me now that he’s back. You only gave me a chance back then because he left. You won’t say yes to me, but when it comes to him, you still hold on to those notebooks with your wedding plans.”

 

“Marcus-”

 

He shook his head to stop her from talking. If she interrupted him now, he'd never get this off his chest.

 

“You should have seen your face that day. I’ve never seen you smile at me in the way you smile at him. The moment he stepped into the room, you forgot all about me and only had eyes for him. Tell me, did you tell him about us that day? How long did it take for you to notice I’d left?”

 

Katie averted her eyes. There was no need for her to say anything; he knew the answers to those questions already. She had apologised for her behaviour that night and had thought that he'd understood.

 

“Do you remember what you said to me on our first date?”

 

“Marcus,” Katie started, “That was years-”

 

Again, he interrupted her. “You told me to keep in mind that you’d lost the love of your life and given the chance, you’d drop everything to be with him again. I saw it as a challenge. I thought that I could change your mind, make you see me. And for a long time, I thought I had. I honestly did. I knew he'd come back one day; I guess I never expected you’d still feel the same. How stupid was I?”

 

He watched her expectantly, hoping that she would deny his unspoken words. Instead, she still looked away. Sadness coursed through him. Never in his life had he wanted to be wrong as in that moment.

 

“Just be honest with me.”

 

Would it make any difference if she told him that he was wrong? Katie sensed his hesitancy to believe her. She couldn’t blame him. Thinking back at their beginning, she had done her best to praise to him the boy who had broken her heart when he'd left her without a glance back.

 

“I know that I haven’t handled Oliver’s return as I should have. But I love, you have to believe me. You-”

 

"I'm trying.” He swallowed hard as he stroked her cheek. “I saw you two kiss...”

 

Her breath hitched and she snapped her eyes back up at him. The weeks of anger and arguments, all because what he thought he had seen? She shook her head, ready to set him straight. "Marcus-"

 

“I thought I’d surprise you with lunch. It was a surprise all right. I felt like such an idiot that day.” He laughed mirthlessly. “Especially, when I kept waiting for you to push him away and tell him to sod off. I got tired of waiting.”

 

“But I did!” Katie cried. She had, it had taken her few seconds to regain her sense, but she had. He had to believe her. She had nearly ripped Oliver’s head off for doing that. “He’s just a friend who crossed a line, nothing more.”

 

“A friend who you feel the need to sneak around with?” Again, he waited for her to deny. She didn’t and another piece of his heart crumbled. “I know about those girls’ nights out, love. More Wood and fewer girls?”

 

“No, no, no, it’s not what you think,” she rushed out, panic rising in her chest. She could only imagine how it had looked to him. “He needed a friend to talk to. He had a difficult time adjusting to being back… I didn’t think you would take it well if I told you.” She bit her lip. He didn’t believe her; she could see it.

 

Feeling pained, he closed his eyes. "I've tried so hard to be someone worthy and still fail at it every time. Now that he’s back... Can I ever win?"

 

She didn’t respond. Instead, she leant in to kiss him to his surprise. Did she finally see his hurt?

 

This kiss was soft, gentle, and not destructive like the last ones. His hand found the side of her neck and he softly caressed the skin as if to heal the mark he had left there earlier. Her hand came up to meet his and she intertwined their fingers when she pulled away from his lips.

 

"I love you, you silly man. Not Oliver, you." She kissed his knuckles before she pressed them against her cheek. "I love you just the way you are. Be the man I want, the one I fell in love with, not some fantasy I’ve outgrown years ago. Oliver was an infatuation at best back then; I realised that a long time ago."

 

"But-"

 

"I love you, the man I know you are. I want him back."

 

“Until you see Wood again.” Marcus couldn’t keep the bitterness out his voice. He didn’t look at her, kept his gaze on their entwined fingers. He wanted to believe her. Merlin, how much he wanted to believe her. But, he couldn’t stomach playing second fiddle to Wood, no matter how much she denied it.

 

“I love you,” she repeated more firmly and scooted closer to him. She needed to feel him, hold him, and tell him he was wrong about her feelings for him. They had already taken the first step; she’d finally learnt what bothered him. If anything, she wouldn't allow him to take a step back. Not anymore.

 

Still holding onto her hand, he rolled over her so he was on top and softly kissed her. His other hand gently rested on her hip. Each touch and every kiss were an apology for his earlier behaviour, a tentative reach out to her. Could he believe her?

 

Eventually, she let go of his hand and tugged at his shirt. Smiling softly, she watched as he lifted himself to pull it off. Regret filled her as she realised how long it had been since they had been close like this. Then, they were skin against skin, feeling beautifully warm with every curve and indentation pressed against the other. Katie fumbled with his belt, finally releasing it and unbuttoning his trousers.

 

With a practised ease, he slipped them off and helped her out of her pyjamas before he covered her body with his again.

 

"My Katie, I love you so much," he whispered. But was his love alone enough?

 

In contrast to him, a weight lifted off her shoulder at hearing him say that. It had been much too long since she had heard those words.

 

"I don't say it enough, but I do. I love you so much, Katie, I-"

 

She silenced him by placing another kiss on his lips and wrapping her legs around his hips. "I love you too," she whispered against his lips.

 

Marcus kissed her again as he entered her warm body. She had forgotten how amazing he felt, how he could make her feel good. She sighed in ecstasy as he softly kissed his way down her neck to her chest. His tongue danced around her nipple, softly nibbling it. He returned to her mouth as he gained just a little bit of speed. She moaned and pressed her body tightly against his as her nails dug deep into his back. He knew this was the sign that she was getting close.

 

"Wait for me, love." He kissed and nibbled her ear, teasing and tormenting her.

 

She held him close as she ran her fingers through his short hair, something she knew he loved. When they kissed again, it was more feverishly than before. He took her clue and increased his speed and force. She was having a hard time resisting her building orgasm until she couldn't hold it any longer.

 

"Marcus, I can't… I..."

 

"It's all right, come for me, love." As he spilt inside her, she finally allowed her orgasm to wash over her in blissful relief.

 

For a long moment, they lay there, tangled up in each other, not wanting to move in fear of ruining the moment. When their breathing finally evened out, Marcus rolled off her and pulled her to his side. He held her so close that she could feel his heartbeat underneath her cheek.

 

"I love you," he whispered, trying to force the doubt to the background.

 

"And I love you, too." And she meant it. They weren't there yet, she knew. In the morning, they'd need to talk further, set new rules and boundaries. She'd owl Oliver the moment she woke up and tell him that he needed to make other friends. Marcus was too important to her to lose him.

 

But those were concerns for the next day. In this very moment, she was happy again with the man that meant the world to her.

 

*****WDWDT*****

 

The next morning, a simple letter on his pillow shattered all the happiness and hope she had fallen asleep with the night before. All the times she had contemplated it in the past weeks, he had to be the one to do it in the end. Just when she had thought that they'd make it after all.

 

Marcus had left her. She was all alone.


End file.
